I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.