*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Duolingo getting serious.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
you will never know the true number of layers
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Ugh