HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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Well, this explains it:
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”