The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.