Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
You Might Also Like
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Beauty and the Beast
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.