[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.