12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
New favorite tiktok
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.