Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
You Might Also Like
Life with a cat in one tweet
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Autocorrect is my menesis
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.