I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
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“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Remember folks 😂
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes