Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time