*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You Might Also Like
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Oh my god
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.