Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
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Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”