Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?