You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
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A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok