You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
#Caturday
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
inventing words: clothing
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going