“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”