[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
You Might Also Like
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW