The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.