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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
🙅🏻
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us