I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
c’mon!
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.