I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
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