Brands during Pride
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me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with