Hit me in the face with a bird
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
True?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
(yawn)
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie