That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Nice try, NASA
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Oh my god
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Don’t talk down to me
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’