My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
paddle faster i hear baby shark
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*