Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.