that lip filler tho
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
choose your fighter
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.