Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
opening twitter today
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.