So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.