my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
You Might Also Like
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.