Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
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3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s