I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!