What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
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Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Am I having a stroke?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
no cat here
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?