Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.