I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door