[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
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My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.