I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
They did not think through this water fountain
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes