*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Tony Hawk, age 6
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine