If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*