There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy