Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Worst Native American name ever.