People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
You Might Also Like
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.