Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Dear Lord..
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Mountain Goat : )
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”