Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Air conditioning – not a fan
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.