My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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Pat is about to own someone
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Every haunted house movie:
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.