Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*