Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
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Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
listen closely
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Are you ok, human???
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.