Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.