[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.