Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
You Might Also Like
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]